I’ve been getting lots of inquisitive feedback regarding my recent article on open relationships, especially with respect to the section on deeper friendships. One question that a few women asked me essentially boils down to this:
I really love cuddling, but I have a hard time inviting guys to cuddle with me because they might think I’m inviting them to have sex with me, and sometimes I just want to cuddle. How can I ask for cuddling and not have a guy think I’m offering something sexual?
Believe it or not, this can be an issue for men too.
Let’s ponder this situation from some different perspectives since the same issue can have multiple causes.
When it comes to discussing emotional matters, many people are notoriously poor communicators. They express themselves in such vague and fuzzy ways that it’s no wonder they’re frequently misunderstood. They drop confusing hints instead of being forthright and direct. They insinuate instead of invite.
If you want to improve your results in this area, first get comfortable with communicating clearly and directly. In fact, even if you’re not very comfortable with it, do it anyway. You’ll eventually get used to it, and it will produce far fewer misunderstandings.
How difficult is it to make a clear offer? If you’re certain that you just want to cuddle and you don’t want to offer anything more than that, then what’s stopping you from sharing this in your invitation?
For example, you could say, “I’d really love to cuddle you. I think that it would be really nice to try connecting with you in that way. I know some people might assume that cuddling leads to sex, so just to be clear about this, I’m only offering to cuddle — nothing sexual, okay? Would you be interested in cuddling with me sometime?”
Feel free to rephrase that however you wish, so it sounds natural for you. It’s perfectly fine to offer cuddling and share that sex is out of bounds. The way I phrased it above doesn’t put the other person on the defensive since you’re not accusing him/her of expecting sex, but you’re still being reasonably clear about what you’re offering.
If you want to be even more precise, you could share what cuddling means to you. Does it include kissing, caressing, or removing any clothing, for instance? If you know you have certain boundaries, feel free to communicate those up front.
If you can’t make a clear enough offer like this, then that’s one reason you may be having some misunderstandings. Try being more obvious with your offers. Don’t expect people to decipher your fuzzy invitations.
What if you aren’t exactly clear about what you want? What if you’re offering cuddling to begin with, but you’re not sure yet if you’d like to do anything beyond that?
This is usually the situation I’m in. Most of the time when I offer to cuddle with someone, I can’t really say if sex is on or off the table. That’s usually something I figure out while I’m cuddling (or kissing) someone, but not before.
Fortunately this is an easy situation to handle as well. Again, just be honest in your communication. If you’re not sure about how far you want to take things, you can share that up front.
In this case you could say, “I’d really love to cuddle with you sometime. If you like that idea, then let’s cuddle together and see how that feels to us. As far as anything beyond that goes, I might be open to more, but I’d only want to do what feels good to both of us. No pressure or expectations or anything like that. How do you feel about this?”
This opens the door to a discussion, where you can talk further about your feelings. For example, you could discuss what you’re both willing to do initially and which doors are open before you need to pause and check in with each other. Are you okay with massaging each other while you cuddle (over or under the clothes)? Is some kissing okay (on the cheeks, arms, lips, etc)? Will one of you spoon the other, or will you cuddle facing each other? And so on…
I rarely have these kinds of discussions up front because I find it unnecessary with the women I usually connect with. I don’t have rigid boundaries in this areas, and I’m very open to being touched, massaged, kissed, etc. But if I suspect the woman is hesitant and needs that kind of clarity up front, then I’m happy to discuss this with her. Generally though I prefer to check for her boundaries while we’re cuddling. My intuition in this area is pretty well-developed, so I can generally tell which doors are open with someone and which aren’t, but if I have any doubt, I just ask.
The idea is that you want both people to be comfortable and relaxed with the whole idea. If one person is tense and nervous because they’re worried about accidental boundary crossings, then you can put them at ease by discussing all of that, either in advance or while you’re cuddling.
Always limit yourself to the boundaries of whichever person has the tighter limits. When you reach those limits, you can invite them to open up more if you so desire, and then honor whatever they decide.
If you don’t have tight boundaries, then don’t pretend that you do. There’s no need to specify limits that don’t exist. Again, just be honest in communicating what you’re thinking and feeling. If you have certain boundaries, feel free to communicate that. If you feel open to other possibilities, you can share that. If your thoughts and feelings change along the way, go ahead and share that when it happens as well.
What if the other person is more open and you’re the one with the tighter limits? And suppose they express interest in going past your limits? What do you do then?
If you want to move past your limits, you can say yes. Feel free to pause and communicate your feelings about this. If you’re nervous and want to go very slowly, then say so. If you need to be the one to control the pacing, then say so. If you want the other person to lead, while you retain the option to stop things if you feel too uncomfortable, then say so.
If you don’t want to move past your limits, then say no when you’re invited to do so. And be clear that you’re saying no.
If the other person won’t respect your no, it’s time to eject and leave. You don’t want to reward someone for disrespecting your boundaries.
If the other person wants to keep discussing the situation, and you’re okay with that, then do so. But if you feel like you’re being pressured, then let the other person know that this isn’t acceptable to you. If you’re not feeling good about how the situation is going, eject.
When you need to say no, be clear about it. Don’t give a wishy washy, “Gee… I’m not so sure about that.” If you know it’s not what you want, say no. Literally speak the word no. Take note that the word no doesn’t sound like hmmmm, I dunno, or lemme think about that. The word no sounds like no.
What if you’re not sure if your answer is yes or no? One way to clarify the difference in your mind is by asking yourself, “Could I do that now?” and then “Would I do that now?”
Usually when you’re being talked into something by the other person, you’ll answer yes to the first question but no to the second question. You could do a lot of things, but being capable of doing something doesn’t make it a wise choice for you. The second question focuses on whether you’re truly willing to do this, as in “Would I choose to do this now? Do I actually want to do this? Is this my desire?” If the answer to that is no, or even if it’s “I’m not sure,” then simply say no.
When you’re actually willing, feel free to go ahead and do what you would do, but don’t do something just because you could. Not saying no when you really meant to say no is a recipe for regret.
Of course, if you couldn’t do something, even if you wanted to, then that’s an even easier thing to say no to.
Don’t be so surprised if the other person tries to extend your initial offer. It’s very common for people to do this, and it’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s a normal and natural part of communication. If you have boundaries to enforce, it’s up to you to say no when necessary; don’t expect the other person to handle that for you. We all have different boundaries.
Some people are very weak at being able to say no when they aren’t comfortable. It’s possible to push through their resistance. When you’re on the less constrained side and you see that someone is hesitant but is having a hard time saying no, I suggest that you put the breaks on and talk about it. Sometimes you may be overly conservative, but it’s better to avoid pushing the other person into doing something they’d regret — and blaming you for it later.
Another question to ask yourself is this: When you invite someone to cuddle, are you sure that’s what you want, or are you using this offer as bait for something more?
Are you making an authentic offer, or is your offer some kind of disguised attempt at a bait-and-switch maneuver?
For example, when you offer cuddling, are you sure that’s what you really want? Or are you actually looking for sex, thinking that cuddling will help you get there? Or are you really trying to initiate a long-term relationship with your potential cuddle partner? Or are you looking for someone to give you more financial security?
Pause for a moment and check in with yourself. Are you sure you’re just offering cuddling for the sake of cuddling and whatever you associate with it (warmth, connection, a deeper friendship, enjoying touch, etc)? Or is your mind looking at cuddling as a stepping stone to something else?
There’s nothing wrong with entertaining thoughts and feelings about where your cuddling might lead, but are those potential after-effects actually more important to you than the cuddling? If so, there’s a good chance the other person will pick up on the fact that you’re really looking for something else.
If you realize you want something other than cuddling, then is cuddling a necessary prerequisite for your true desire? Cuddling someone first isn’t necessary for sex, for instance. If you offer cuddling, but you’re actually more interested in sex, then your offer isn’t very authentic, and the other person will probably pick up on that.
Another possibility is that you’re projecting desires onto the other person, so instead of inviting them to cuddle, you’re subtly hinting that there may be more to your offer. People do this when they worry that the offer to cuddle won’t be enough to get a yes, so they hint that there may be more to it.
For example, are you hinting that you’re inviting the other person to become your boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you hinting that sex may result?
When you show up for a cuddle session, are you dressed to cuddle, or are you dressed like you’re very horny and want to get laid?
Both men and women drop these kinds of hints, hoping that it will increase their chances of getting a yes. People offer the hint of sex as bait for a relationship. Or they dangle the possibility of a relationship as bait for sex. Such manipulative tactics are totally unnecessary. Get used to making authentic offers, and you’ll find that there are plenty of people who want the same thing.
When you offer cuddling, are you masking some hidden motives? And are you giving the other person a fair chance to respond to your cuddling offer without hinting at some other phantom possibility?
It’s fine to hint at something more if you’re truly open to that possibility, but if you’re not actually offering more, then don’t suggestively hint at it.
If you don’t feel your offer of cuddling is authentic for you, then don’t offer that. Instead, offer what is authentic for you.
I know a few guys that truly just want sex. They’re not particularly into cuddling. They’re not very interested in love. They don’t want to get involved in long-winded conversations. Most of the time, they just want to enjoy the physical act of sex with a willing partner that turns them on — no strings attached. And so that’s what they offer. When they talk to a woman they’re interested in, they communicate in an overtly sexual manner, often from the very first sentence out of their mouths. You might think these guys would come across as creepy, but women virtually always respond positively to them, even if they decline the sexual connection. These men respect women and their right to choose, so they make their offers clear and unambiguous. They don’t promise or hint at a relationship. They don’t promise security or love. They just offer a sexual connection. And they end up having a lot of sex since there are plenty of women who just want to enjoy that kind of connection too. Even the women who turn them down normally do so gracefully, impressed by the authenticity of these men.
If you really want sex, then own that desire. Don’t ask for dates or cuddle sessions. Don’t get into mental conversations. When you talk to someone you’d like to sleep with, communicate your sexual interest first and foremost. Then let the other person react as they will. If they’re not interested, you’re free to move onto someone else, and you just saved yourself a lot of time. If they are interested, enjoy. If they have questions, discuss.
I genuinely love cuddling, so that’s what I tend to offer. If that’s not your bag, then don’t try to model my approach since it won’t work for you. You can’t just model someone’s actions and expect the same result if you don’t share their values and desires too. People are normally pretty good at reading each other, and inauthentic offers will trigger other people’s internal alarms.
If you’re honest and authentic in making offers that align with your desires, and if you respect the other person’s freedom to choose whether or not to connect with you on that basis, you won’t come across as creepy. If you make inauthentic offers, however, you’ll come across as creepy.
In addition to cuddling, I’ve made some rather silly offers now and then, and they didn’t come across as creepy because I was genuinely offering something I thought would be fun. I was perfectly willing to hear a yes or no from the other person without being attached to either outcome. If they said no, I already knew other people who’d say yes.
Incidentally, this approach works just as well when you’re in a relationship with someone. Be clear and direct in your offers. Don’t invite your partner on a date if you’d rather just have sex. If you just want to cuddle, then invite cuddling, and be clear that you aren’t initiating sex. And if you’re not sure what you want or if you’d like your partner to lead, it’s fine to communicate that too. This will save you a lot of time and headaches, and you’ll get to experience more of what you want. Also, if you and your partner are not in agreement about what you each want, then you’ll figure that out quickly, and you can connect with different people to explore those desires instead of getting needy and clingy with a disinterested partner.
As a general rule of thumb, if you don’t feel you can trust the other person, then don’t invite them to cuddle. Cuddling can be a very intimate way of connecting, and it doesn’t make much sense to step into a situation where there’s low trust to begin with.
There are a number of online forums where men and women alike discuss how to get better at manipulating each other. In one men’s forum I saw recently, men were discussing how to figure out a woman’s values, so they could use her values against her to manipulate her into having sex. Basically the guy would pretend to be a match for her values, regardless of whether he shared them, so she’d think he was a good match for what she wanted in a man. That kind of inauthentic B.S. has no place in conscious relationships. But there are a lot of people out there that still think this way. It may be hugely immature, but it’s fairly common.
Women’s magazines often teach the same kind of drivel — how to figure out what a guy wants, so you can pretend to be that person. Please leave this nonsense behind you if you’d like to enjoy more conscious relationships without such silly drama.
Even if you’re not the manipulative sort, it’s wise to recognize that not everyone may be as conscious about their choices as you are.
If your intuition is urging caution or if you don’t feel safe with someone, pay heed to that. If you say no and they aren’t respecting your no, it’s time to eject. If you want to help the other person grow up a bit, conduct your coaching from a safe distance.
When trust is violated, it’s really hard to rebuild it, and you’ll have to decide whether it’s even worth the effort. If someone violates my trust in a significant way, I tend not to give them a second chance. It’s just not worth the hassle and the drama to me. I’ll quickly forgive them and let it go, but after that I’ll shift my attention to more trustworthy connections. I’m not trying to punish the other person. I just don’t want to bother with high-maintenance connections.
Knowing when you can trust someone is something you calibrate with experience. If you don’t have much experience, either in relationships or in trusting your intuition, then I suggest you play it a bit safer with your cuddle offers. For example, you could invite someone to cuddle with you on a couch at a party, while your friends are around. See how that feels before you agree to do anything alone together. Your friends are there to rescue you if something goes wrong. Another option is to cuddle together in a public park; you’ll be alone in your togetherness but still near enough to other people if you need to eject.
If, however, you don’t feel good about cuddling people in front of others, then how congruent are you with this desire? If it’s an authentic desire, then what’s to hide? There’s nothing shameful about cuddling someone in front of people, is there? If you have concerns about this, then read Shameless, Fearless, Guiltless. Cuddling is nothing to be embarrassed about.
If you seem to have a knack for attracting low quality partners, then it may be time to increase the quality of your social circle. Most relationship matches come via a person’s social circle, and I suspect that’s true of cuddle partners too. If you aren’t getting good referrals, then find out where your low quality matches are coming from, and stop taking referrals from that direction. Then pay more attention to sources that generate your best referrals, and even ask them for more.
What if you invited someone to cuddle, and it actually did lead to sex? Why would that be a problem for you?
Is sex a big deal for you? Do you attach some kind of meaning to it? Does it mean you’ve initiated a relationship? Is this a special border crossing for you?
It may not be sex itself that’s the real issue for you. Rather it may be that you’re attaching extra meanings to sex, and that’s your sticking point. Instead of making sex the barrier, what if you could let go of the meanings you’re attaching to it? Then if you were open to having sex, it might not be such a big deal if some of your cuddle sessions led to sex.
When I invite someone to cuddle, it’s usually an open-ended invite. I’m not particularly concerned with whether or not it leads to sex. I’m happy to enjoy whatever feels good to us both. If we have sex, that’s nice. If we don’t have sex, that’s nice too. If we go partway and enjoy making out or oral sex, also nice.
In my view, having sex is just another way to deepen our friendship. It’s a form of play. It doesn’t mean we’ve become boyfriend-girlfriend. We got turned on, made each other feel good, and had a nice time together. Friends do that sometimes. It’s a delightful way to connect when the chemistry is there.
Now if you’re fine with having sex, but you’re worried that the other person may attach all sorts of meaning to it, I suggest you communicate your thoughts about that up front, ideally before you have sex. Some of my friends will pause and say, “Just to be clear, I’m not the boyfriend type. I’d really like to enjoy this connection with you, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” This works well for them. Being clear about this up front also prevents situations where the other person communicates to his/her friends about their connection with you while attaching all sorts of meanings to it, which could cause them to lose face when they have to tell their friends that they were mistaken about the meanings. You don’t want someone telling all their friends that you’re becoming their primary boyfriend/girlfriend just because you had sex, when that was never your intention.
The idea here is that it may actually be more helpful to manage the meanings you and the other person attach to sex, as opposed to worrying about the sex act itself. If you can release your grip on your socially conditioned attachments to sex, you may be able to enjoy sex more often as a pleasurable extension of cuddling, without putting it on a pedestal. Sex is just play.
Another issue that may arise is that when you invite people to cuddle, they may end up wanting to have sex with you. Maybe you’re just too damned sexy.
So you’re sexier than you may have realized. Is that really so terrible?
If people frequently desire to have sex with you, but you just want to cuddle, then enforce that boundary as needed. If this is a common issue for you, then communicate your boundaries up front with as much clarity as you can muster.
Accept that this may happen now and then. As long as you remain sexy, some people are going to want to have sex with you. Go figure.
This isn’t a problem to solve per se. It’s just part of your reality to accept and to deal with. You don’t actually have to resist that people want to have sex with you. You can let them want it and still decline it, with nary a concern about it.
There are plenty of situations where people might want to connect with someone in a way where the desire isn’t mutual. Pretty much every week, I get emails from people who want to discuss polyphasic sleep with me. I experimented with polyphasic sleep in 2005-2006, and my sleep logs and blog posts from that time remain perpetually popular, but honestly I have very little interest in it today. So when people offer to connect with me on that basis, I just hit delete and move on to the next message. I do this with no guilt whatsoever.
Invest in the types of connections that interest you, and dismiss the mismatches quickly. If you get lots of connection offers in the sexual dimension, and if that doesn’t interest you at this time, then decline those offers without shame, guilt, or regret. You’re free to pursue your own desires, and if others don’t align with them well enough, quickly drop them and move on. Set them free to pursue what they desire, while you enjoy what you desire. Otherwise you’re being disloyal to your own values.
This gets easier with practice, and eventually you’ll decline mismatched offers automatically. I do this every day as a matter of habit, and it’s so quick I barely recall doing it. If a connection turns sour or if the other person wants to head in a direction that doesn’t interest me, I let it go and move on. This frees me to invest more deeply in the connections that align nicely with my desires. If I allowed myself to get wrapped up in managing mismatches, I’d get killed by the opportunity cost of missing out on better matches. Trying to manage mismatches is much too draining, and in the long run it’s self defeating anyway because the associated mindset will cause you to keep lowering your standards, such that you connect out of desperation, not from positive desire.
Once you get used to quickly dismissing the connections that aren’t a good match, you’ll have more time to focus on what does interest you. For instance, you’ll be able to find some good partners who are perfectly fine cuddling with you without needing to make it sexual — if that’s what you desire to create.
So there’s no need to resist your sexiness, just as I don’t need to go back and nuke my articles on polyphasic sleep. You can be sexy and still invite people to connect in the ways that you most desire. Quickly prune the mismatches, and enjoy the delightful matches.
Suppose you make what you feel is a clear offer, and you believe you’re being authentic, and the other person totally misreads your offer and assumes you’re offering much more than you’re willing to? Is this really a problem?
It’s only a problem if you’re very attached to being understood. The truth is that now and then, someone will misunderstand you. It happens.
In my 8+ years of blogging, I’ve had to deal with the reality that no matter how clearly I try to express myself, I’m going to be perpetually misunderstood. Some people will read things into my words that I never actually said. I get misquoted, and then other people quote the misquotes.
If this rarely happens to you, then it may come as a shocker when it finally does. But eventually you may realize that you can’t control other people’s mental models of you. They’ll believe what they believe. Some of it will be accurate. Some of it won’t.
Even if you do your very best to communicate authentically, sometimes you’ll be misunderstood. That isn’t the end of the world though. When this happens, just adapt to it and move on.
Do your best to correct the misunderstanding by re-communicating, but if the other person still misunderstands you, either because they’re unwilling or incapable, then you may as well eject.
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression that communication is a two-way street. You may be doing your best, but if the other person isn’t holding up their end with decent listening and questioning, you can’t carry the connection entirely on your shoulders.
A conscious connection requires that both people are willing and capable of communicating clearly. If someone is stonewalling you or refusing to listen, they aren’t willing, so you’re done. If they seem willing, but no matter how clearly you communicate, they just don’t seem to get it, then they might not be capable, and again, you’re done. Either way, eject from that connection.
Again, being misunderstood isn’t the end of the world. If misunderstandings were devasting setbacks, I’d have quit blogging in my first year. In fact, a number of bloggers who regard such misunderstandings as major issues do indeed quit within their first year. If it’s really important that other people always understand you, you’re going to have a tough time with any kind of social abundance. You might as well become a hermit.
It’s more realistic to accept that misunderstandings will happen. When they do, roll with them as best you can. I find it healthy to maintain a good sense of humor about it. Sometimes misunderstandings even give me good ideas for new articles.
Being exposed to the various ways people can misunderstand you can also make you a better communicator in the long run. You’ll be able to anticipate some of the most likely misunderstandings and take steps to prevent them. Your results won’t be perfect, but you can certainly improve over time.
Just don’t expect perfection here. That’s neither realistic nor necessary. You can still enjoy lots of cuddling regardless of some misunderstandings, and that’s a lot better than no cuddling at all.
One reason I love to connect with cuddling first is that cuddling helps me see if a woman and I can create a close connection with our hearts. If we can pull that off, then we raise the vibe of our connection, and sharing this vibe makes everything else easier. I can describe this vibe with words like caring, appreciation, gratitude, unconditional love, and compassion.
When this vibe is created, high trust is a natural side effect. It becomes nearly impossible to try to manipulate each other because that requires sinking to a lower vibe. Manipulative thoughts won’t even enter our minds. To most people the vibe of unconditional love feels so good that no one wants to mess it up. We’ll probably be so enthralled with this delightful feeling that we’ll want to maintain it as long as we can.
Secondly, this vibe puts us both in sync. Since we’re holding the same vibe, communicating clearly is easy and natural. We’re on the same page. We can talk openly about anything, and there’s no fear, shame, guilt, or resistance present. We can talk about our desires. We can talk about boundaries. We can talk about blocks we’d like to release. We can share anything from our pasts. While we’re aligned with this vibe, there are very few, if any, concerns about feeling judged or rejected. You can’t feel rejected while you’re too busy feeling lovey-dovey and deeply connected.
Thirdly, in this vibe no one needs to lead. It’s unnecessary. It feels more natural to relax and go with the flow. Someone will get an inspired idea for what to do next, and that idea will almost always be accepted by the other. Quite often we’ll be thinking the same things at the same time anyway. That’s because the ideas that get generated in this vibe are aligned with love, not neediness or fear or anything like that. Love-based ideas are very easy to accept.
When I’m sharing this vibe with someone, that’s normally when we’ll start to escalate things physically, although not necessarily sexually. Usually we’re so in sync that no one needs to suggest anything verbally. We just do what feels natural. What feels good to one of us usually feels good to both of us. I’ll caress her, and she’ll smile. I’ll look at her lips, and she’ll look at mine, and we’ll kiss. It’s like our actions are being guided by the energy of this vibe.
Even if one of us stumbled and did something that made the other person feel uncomfortable, it would quickly be communicated and forgiven, and we’d adapt. In practice this normally isn’t a boundary issue. More often it’s a simple case of one of us shifting and accidentally hurting the other person, like an elbow in the ribs. We both know the mistake wasn’t deliberate though, and so forgiveness is automatic and immediate.
If the vibe starts to lead in a sexual direction, normally we’ll feel the sexual tension building within us, and we’ll automatically start flowing with it physically. But the vibe could just as easily stay non-sexual. It can be unpredictable at times, but it’s always beautiful.
This also works with three-person connections, but those are more complex. I’m still getting practice with these kinds of connections. One thing I discovered is that they can involve waves of two-person connections within the three-person dynamic. So there may be a surge of love between two of the people, then a surge of sexual energy between two of the people (not necessarily the same two), for instance. Or there may be periods where it feels like all three of us are syncing to the same vibe. Three-person connections are more sensitive since it’s relatively easy for one person to fall out of sync with the other two. I imagine that as more people get involved, the dynamics would grow even more complex.
When I cuddle with someone, I’m not concerned with whether or not it will lead to sex. My first concern is to see if we can get a really beautiful heart-to-heart connection going first. It’s only when I’m in that place of love with a woman that I’ll begin to get a sense of where we might go next. And even then, my preference is to just flow with the feeling of love and let it lead us. That feels more natural to me than trying to figure everything out in advance. This is why when I make cuddle offers, they’re normally open-ended. I can’t predict in advance where the vibe of love will lead us. And that doesn’t concern me anyway. That vibe feels so good to me that I’m more concerned with creating and enjoying the flow of that vibe, and how it plays out in terms of outcomes isn’t a big deal.
I have a lot of trust in these love-based connections, so once I’m there, I feel really good about trusting my intuitive guidance. Whatever I do when I’m in that vibration seems to flow very beautifully, whether or not it leads in a sexual direction.
I think that if people focused on creating these heart-based connections first, they wouldn’t have as many hang-ups and worries about whether or not cuddling might lead to sex. If sex would break the heart connection, you won’t want to go there anyway. And if the heart connection takes you in a sexual direction, then it’s easy to relax and enjoy that experience with no regrets.
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