How to Cure Anxiety — One Workaholic’s Story, Six Techniques That Work

Charlie Hoehn was a full-time employee of mine during the making and launch of The 4-Hour Body. It was an intense period.

In this post, Charlie will share his M.E.D. (Minimum Effective Dose) for overcoming anxiety and managing workaholism. There are six techniques in total.

If you haven’t already, be sure to read his previous post on preventing burnout.

Do you feel a constant sense of dread? Do you have trouble breathing, relaxing, and sleeping? Do you worry that you’re losing control, or that you’re going to die?

In other words: are you trapped in your own personal hell?

I’ve been there (here’s the backstory), and I know what it’s like. Shallow breathing, tension in the gut, chest pains, rapid heartbeat… Every moment is exhausting, crushing, and painful. Anxiety destroys your confidence, your productivity, your relationships, and your ability to enjoy life.

For a long time, I thought I was going crazy. I was convinced that something horribly wrong was about to happen. I tired and afraid all the time, and I didn’t know how to shake it. One half of me pretended to be normal while the other half tried to keep it together.

I tried everything: meditation, yoga, high-intensity workouts, long runs, therapy, therapy books, keeping a journal, super clean diets, extended fasting, drugs, deep breathing exercises, prayer, etc. I even took a six-week course, made specifically for men who wanted to overcome anxiety.

What I discovered is that the most effective “cures” for anxiety are often free, painless, and fun. When I was doing the six techniques I cover in this post on a daily basis, I was able to get back to my normal self in less than one month. 

It’s my sincerest hope that this post helps you eliminate your anxiety, once and for all. Surprisingly, it’s not as hard as you think…

“A lack of play should be treated like malnutrition: it’s a health risk to your body and mind.”
— Stuart Brown

When I asked Tim for his advice on overcoming anxiety, he said, “Remember to EXERCISE daily. That is 80% of the battle.”

I completely agree. Exercise is scientifically proven to reduce anxiety, stress, and depression. But what’s the best type of exercise? Running on the treadmill for an hour? Doing hundreds of sit-ups? Self-inflicted torture via P90X? 

How about ‘None of the Above.’ All of those activities are miserable. People only do them because they think getting in shape has to be a punishment.

Exercise does not have to feel like work; it can be play. In other words, physical movement that gets your heart racing, causes you to sweat, and is legitimately FUN for you and your friends. You don’t have to track your time, measure your heart rate, or count your calories. Forget all that noise. Just focus on having fun while moving around with your friends.

In my experience, the best forms of anxiety-reducing play are outdoor sports. They are social (more than one person is required), mildly competitive, and cause everyone to break a sweat in the fresh air and sunshine. However, any fun play activity that you can do on a regular basis with your friends should work.

Almost every weekend, my friends and I play home run derby or go to the driving range. For me, taking batting practice or hitting golf balls is the most rewarding form of play. Plus it gives me an excuse to move around outside for an hour or two.

I also take frequent trips to the park with an Aerobie Flying Ring (a flat rubber Frisbee that flies really fast). The Aerobie is perfect for playing because I have to call up a friend to join me, and we both end up running around chasing it.

Playing with an Aerobie at the House of Air trampoline house in San Francisco.

Incorporating play into my weekly routine helped my anxiety and workaholism more than anything else. It was such a massive relief to hang out with my friends and have guilt-free fun again. Playing helped me decompress and unplug from work, which actually made me more productive.

After each round of catch or home run derby, I would return to my laptop feeling light and happy. And to my surprise, I was able to produce better work at a faster pace. My brain was operating at a higher level because it was happy, playful, and recharged. And I wasn’t the only one who attested to a boost in productivity and creativity because of play.

[Note from Tim: Exercise also elicits measurable biochemical effects (like increased BDNF production) that improve cognitive performance.]

My friend Ann (a book editor) texted me one afternoon to say that she was trying to work, but was so bored that she’d spent the last hour staring at a turtle swimming in a pond. I told her to come pick me up so we could play catch. We drove over to a park and played with the Aerobie for two hours in the sun. The next day, she sent me this message:

All work and no play makes Jack an anxious boy — literally. Isolating yourself erodes your health, and sitting in a chair all day is a recipe for neuroses. Get off the Internet, turn off your screens, and go have guilt-free fun playing with your friends! You’ll be less anxious, less lonely, more relaxed, and a whole lot happier.

DO IT NOW

Schedule a daily reminder to Play. Ask a friend, co-worker, or neighbor to play catch. Search Yelp.com for “co-ed sports” or “improv comedy,” then sign up. For a negligible fee, you get to be surrounded by fun people who like to play. Totally worth it.

You can take baby steps toward playing more, of course. You could invite a friend on a long walk, or play catch instead of drinking coffee, or take a date to the driving range. The important thing is to schedule guilt-free fun with good people.

FREQUENCY

Aim for 30 minutes per day (or more, if possible). Reducing your anxiety through play only takes 2% of your total time each week, but it’s up to you to decide that your happiness is worth the effort.

[Note from Tim: Schedule this recreation in advance or it won't happen.  If you're a type-A personality, work will swell to fill your unfilled calendar.]

COST

Free, or very cheap. Try not to think of play in terms of costs. This is an investment in your health and happiness, with a guaranteed return.

RESOURCES

Aerobie Flying Ring. This is the best toy for playing catch. It’s light, durable, portable, and extremely fun.

Charlie’s Play Picks. Check out my list of fun activities and toys.

Play by Dr. Stuart Brown. If you want to read more about the science behind play and its essential role in fueling happiness, pick up a copy of this book. It’s fantastic. Also worth reading: The Play Deficit (article) by Peter Gray.

“Learning to ignore things is one of the great paths to inner peace.”
— Robert J. Sawyer

It took me a long time to see it, but the news was my single biggest source of anxiety.

The websites I was reading each day talked non-stop about crime, corruption, economic breakdown, and the end of the world. As a result, my fear of being attacked spun out of control. I became obsessed with protecting myself from every possible threat. I researched what to do if I was arrested and thrown in jail. I spent hundreds of dollars on food and equipment that I hoped would save me in the event of a disaster.

There was nothing inherently wrong with preparing for an emergency, but obsessing over apocalyptic scenarios, every day, for months on end?

One day, it finally dawned on me: my fear of an imaginary future was destroying my ability to enjoy the present.

And what planted those seeds of fear? The news.

When I made the commitment to cut the news out of my life completely — no TV, no conspiracy sites or “truth deliverer” blogs, ignoring / blocking every sensationalist link I came across on social media, etc. — my anxiety plummeted in less than two weeks. The negative information I removed from my conscious awareness freed me from the confines of other people’s frightening narratives.

I replaced the scary news with positive, joyful, and fun information. For instance, I listened to uplifting songs and standup comedy. I watched improv, and classic funny & happy movies. I read fun books that sparked my imagination and touched my soul. It really helped.

Of course, I didn’t bury my head in the sand. I still talked with my friends, who would inevitably bring up the noteworthy events that took place that week. And I was always surprised to discover that… I didn’t really miss anything. I was alive, and the world kept turning. That was about it.

The information you allow into your conscious awareness determines the quality of your life. In other words, you are what you think. If you are subsisting on content that’s unsettling, anxious, and soulless (see: the news, reality shows, horror movies, books written by hateful authors, porn), your mind will become stressed, scared, and cynical.

But if you are consuming content that’s joyous and playful, your mind will become happy and loving. Simple as that.

DO IT NOW

Cut anxiety-inducing information – especially the news – out of your daily routine completely! If your friends are watching the news in the same room, either change the channel or go do something else. If a scary headline appears in your Facebook feed, don’t click it – block it.

There’s no need to subject yourself to unhealthy unrealities. Replace those unsettling thoughts with positive content that will uplift you.

COST

Free.

RESOURCES

The “Anti-News” List. My favorite anxiety-fighting content. Just remember: Sad people tend to focus on the lyrics, while happy people just listen to the music. Don’t over-analyze the deeper implications of the art; just enjoy how it makes you feel.

BONUS POINTS: Flip the Shut-Off Switch

Whenever I’m feeling burned out, I have to force myself to unplug.

I relocate to a scenic environment where the skyline isn’t cluttered with buildings or human activity, then I disconnect from every device with a screen for a minimum of 24 hours. That means no texting, no calling, no email, no Facebook, no Instagram, and no Seinfeld. Only nature, face-to-face interactions, and books are allowed.

Unplugged nature vacations are incredibly refreshing. My mind always feels like a stuffy room that gets a sudden rush of fresh air. Instead of feeling tired all day long from a steady diet of internet content, I’m rejuvenated by real life again.

Give yourself permission to stop working and unplug. Don’t feel guilty for taking time off. This isn’t an escape from the real world – it’s a chance to reconnect with it.

“My girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’  I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’”
— Steven Wright

I really can’t overemphasize the importance of consistent quality sleep. Every anxious person I’ve met has either been in denial about how little sleep they get, or they’re overlooking the fact that they’re going to bed at random hours every night.

One of my readers wrote this message to me after reading an early draft of my book:

“When I began forcing myself to sleep eight hours a night, my physical health problems cleared up, my emotions balanced out, and my anxiety disappeared. My mind could function and that tight feeling around my eyes vanished. Eight hours of sleep is a miracle pill.”

I was chronically in a severe sleep deficit, which took a major toll on my mental health. 

The endless stream of digital information I was taking in every waking hour only compounded the problem. And because I kept going to bed at random hours, my mind never had enough time to shut down, relax, and digest everything that poured in during the day.

During the month I cured my anxiety, I made consistent sleep one of my highest priorities. The first thing I did was optimize my bedroom for ideal sleeping conditions. Here are the steps I took:

Plugged my iPhone charger in an outlet far away from my bed so I couldn’t grab my phone while I was laying down. This little obstacle prevented me from checking Facebook or watching Youtube before trying to fall asleep. [Note from Tim: I always put my iPhone on Airplane Mode or turn it off while sleeping. Even on silent, the illumination of arriving text messages is enough to wake or aggravate me.]Cranked up the air conditioning so the temperature in my bedroom was around 68 degrees Fahrenheit.Kept the curtains drawn and wore a sleep mask so that my room was as dark as I could possibly make it.

Once my room was optimized, I committed to a consistent bedtime. I set a daily reminder on my iPhone called “Get Ready for Bed,” which went off at 10:00PM every night (i.e. nine hours before I wanted to wake up). As soon as it went off, I’d stop whatever I was doing, hit the bathroom, brush my teeth, and change out of my day clothes. I was dead serious about obeying my phone’s command. Even if I was in the middle of a conversation, I’d abruptly end it so I could get ready for bed.

After I finished getting ready, I’d switch my phone to silent mode, plug it into the charger that was far away from my bed, and lay down to read fiction for 15 minutes (No business or “thinking” books allowed). Then I’d turn off the lights and focus on the rhythm of my breathing until I fell asleep.

It took several nights to adjust to this change, but within a week, I was sleeping like a champion. The key was getting ready at the same time every night. It set me in motion toward getting in bed, and ultimately re-trained my body to crave sleep at a reasonable hour.

There was another aspect of my sleep routine that was critical for healing my anxiety: I took a 20-minute nap every afternoon.

Each day, immediately after I finished lunch, I would find a spot to nap – a couch, a bench, a reclined car seat, a carpeted floor, a friend’s wedding…

I’d set an alarm on my phone for 20 minutes, lie on my back, and close my eyes. I never tried to fall asleep; I just relaxed and focused on breathing in and out. Even if I didn’t fall asleep (10-20% of the time), I always felt refreshed and calm when my alarm went off.

Naps are awesome. I wish I could be a salesman for naps. We all took them every day when we were kids, so… why should we stop taking them just because we’re older? Take a quick nap in the afternoon, even if you have to cut your lunch break short. Then force yourself to get ready for bed at the same time every night. You’ll be more relaxed, more productive, and far less anxious.

DO IT NOW

Set a daily reminder on your phone to “Get Ready for Bed,” nine hours prior to your target wake time. Set another reminder to take a nap after lunch. Plug your cell phone charger in an outlet that’s far away from your bed. Cover your windows so your bedroom is as dark as possible. Drop the temperature in your bedroom to 68 degrees.

COST

Free.

FREQUENCY

Aim for 8 hours of consistent quality sleep each night, and one 20-minute nap every afternoon.

RESOURCES

Relax like a Pro and 11 Tricks for Perfect Sleep. Check out Tim’s articles for more tips on taking your sleep to the next level.

Sweet Dreams Sleep Mask. The light! It buuurns! Use this mask to block it out.

Flux. The bright white light that you refer to as your “computer” might be disrupting your internal rhythm. Download the free Flux application to have your screen’s lighting automatically switch to a sunset hue in the evening.

Philips Wake-up Light. If you despise alarms as much as I do, then check out the Wake-up Light. It makes waking up gradual and pleasant.

The physical sensations that preceded my panic attacks were the jitters (shaking hands, quivering voice) and a rapid resting heart rate. Guess what gave me both of those sensations? Coffee. And wouldn’t you know it, I was drinking 3-4 cups each day, running around like Tweek on South Park.

I decided to cut coffee out of my diet for a week. Shortly after I removed the caffeine from my bloodstream, I stopped having the jitters. My resting heart rate remained steady. The physical sensations that came with having a panic attack were no longer there, and I started calming down. [After some experimentation, I found that I could only have a half serving of coffee before I started feeling jittery. I also found that I couldn’t have caffeine past 5:00PM without disrupting my sleep routine.]

A friend of mine experienced similar results after removing aspartame. She had horrible anxiety for months but couldn’t figure out what was causing it. One day at work, she noticed that she’d finished three diet sodas in just a few hours. Her body was overloaded with caffeine and aspartame (a toxic sugar subsitute in diet drinks). As soon as she stopped drinking diet soda, her anxiety disappeared.

Sometimes, we tend to overlook the simple answers that are right in front of us.  Let’s fix that.

DO IT NOW

Cut out any substance you regularly consume that’s correlated with increased feelings of anxiety. Common culprits include: caffeine, aspartame, gluten, refined sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. Keep it out of your body for one week.

If you have that substance in your house, throw it away. If the people you spend the most time with are encouraging you to consume it, politely turn them down and do something else. If you have strong cravings for that substance, find a healthy substitute you can consume instead (e.g. water, tea, sugar-free gum).

After the substance has been out of your system for seven days, you can reassess its toxicity by consuming a typical dose you’re used to taking. If your anxiety symptoms return within one hour of ingestion, you’ve found the culprit. Try to eliminate that substance for good.

COST

Free.

[Note from Charlie: This technique is going to sound bizarre. I don’t blame you if you’re skeptical, but it worked really well for me and there’s a good amount of research to back up the benefits of T.R.E.]

One of the weirdest effects of anxiety is how much tension builds up in your body. I couldn’t even take a deep breath because my stomach always trembled, like it was being stretched to its limits. Relaxing felt physically impossible.

My body was so tense because I was constantly in fight-or-flight mode. Every day, I was producing the energy needed to survive a life-threatening event. The problem was that this event was in my mind; it was imaginary and it never took place. I had all this excess energy that wasn’t being released, so I became extremely high-strung.

A friend recommended that I check out T.R.E. — Trauma Releasing Exercises, which helped him conquer his anxiety. I watched a few videos of T.R.E. on YouTube and immediately thought it was fake. The clips showed people lying on the ground as their bodies went into spastic tremors. Their movements looked comical and freaky, like they were in the middle of an exorcism.

T.R.E. was originally designed as a safe and easy way to induce tremors. Anyone who has gone through extreme trauma, from the emotionally abused to war veterans, can use these exercises to their benefit. The exercises take about 20 minutes to complete, and they’re intended to induce tremors by exhausting your leg muscles.

I learned that tremors are a natural means for mammals to discharge excess energy after a traumatic event. The tremors release our body’s surplus of adrenaline after it’s no longer needed for survival. I watched footage of antelopes, bears, and other animals that had narrowly escaped an attack. Their bodies instinctively trembled for a few minutes, and then they’d act calm and normal again. It was fascinating.

Unlike most species, adult humans typically prevent themselves from having tremors. Why? Because we avoid behavior that makes us look weak or vulnerable. In other words, we are so self-conscious that we unknowingly block our body’s natural (yet embarrassing) function during times of great stress. As a result, we make it very difficult to overcome trauma because we’re constantly holding in so much excess energy. Thankfully, T.R.E. can help.

I bought the T.R.E. book on my Kindle and went through all the exercises. After I completed the full circuit, I lied on the ground and was STUNNED as my back, hips, and legs shook rapidly in sporadic bursts for 20 minutes. The tremors weren’t painful at all; the sensation actually felt relaxing and natural. I was just astounded by how vigorously my body shook. I looked like a vibrating cell phone. After my body’s tremors finally subsided, I went to lie down on my bed and immediately fell into a deep sleep.

I performed these exercises three nights per week, for three weeks. They were hugely effective for releasing the physical tension my body was holding in. I can’t show or describe all of the exercises here, as I don’t want to take credit for a routine I didn’t create. But if you’re interested in giving T.R.E. a shot, you can check out the book (or win a free copy by leaving a comment below — see instructions at the bottom of this post).

I know T.R.E. might sound kooky, or even a little scary. But it’s really not bad at all. It’s basically just a series of stretches that help your body thaw itself out by alleviating your chronic tension. Your tremors will definitely make your body move in strange ways though, so be sure to do these exercises in a relaxed environment where you won’t feel self-conscious.

DO IT NOW

Watch the 8-minute Tremors video on T.R.E.’s official website to see how it works.

FREQUENCY

Do the exercises every other day for three weeks. Then as needed.

COST

$10 for the book.

RESOURCES

Trauma Releasing Exercises. This short book explains the trauma recovery process in uncomplicated language. The last chapter includes photos and descriptions of the exercises, which elicit tremors that release deep chronic tension in the body.

Everyone should get tested for micronutrient deficiencies at some point. There are plenty of reasons why this is a smart move, but the most obvious is because of our changing soil. 

The vegetables we eat absorb their nutrients from the soil they grow in, and the purity (and depth) of our topsoil has been severely compromised through hyper-aggressive/monoculture agriculture and mining. So even if you are eating a seemingly natural and well-balanced diet, you could still be deficient in key nutrients your brain and body need in order to function properly.  Broccoli in one place doesn’t necessarily equal broccoli in another, for instance.  Where you get your produce matters; they could be chock-full or devoid of the vitamins, etc. depending on where you source.

Below are two of the most common nutrient deficiencies that tend to amplify anxiety:

The Vitamin B club. A lot of people are deficient in B-12 (methylcobalamin — found in meat), but others might be deficient in B-2 (riboflavin — found in yogurt, spinach, almonds, and eggs), or B-5 (pantothenic acid — found in avocados, mushrooms, and sweet potatoes), or B-6 (pyridoxal phosphate — found in tuna, chicken, turkey, and cod). Fortunately, it’s possible to get the recommended dose of all the B vitamins by taking a B-complex pill once per day.Omega-3 Fatty Acids. You can find omega-3 in salmon, fish oil, hemp seeds, and flax seeds. I take 2-4 servings of Nordic Natural’s cod liver oil pills each day, which contains a solid dose of the three fatty acids: EPA, DHA, and ALA.

For a few months, I was feeling unusually fatigued. I had no idea what was causing it. I was getting good sleep, I was eating healthy, and I was exercising regularly. I did some research, and found that I had a ton of symptoms for Vitamin B-12 deficiency: I felt mildly depressed, I had very little motivation, I was short of breath, my brain was foggy, and my fingers occasionally went numb.

Vitamin B-12 is in meat, fish, and certain dairy products (if you’re a vegetarian or vegan, you’re likely deficient in B-12). The normal range for B-12 is between 500 and 1,000 pg/ml (picograms per milliliter), and if your levels fall below 500 pg/ml, your brain ages twice as fast. In other words, if your body isn’t absorbing enough B-12, your mind rapidly deteriorates and stops functioning properly. Holy Guacamole!

When I got tested for B-12 deficiency, the results showed that my levels were 200 pg/ml — less than half of the minimum amount my body required. Even though I was eating meat almost every single day, I was still massively deficient.

I immediately began supplementing with Vitamin B-12 pills — 1,000 mcg every day, sublingually (under the tongue). Within one week, I could already feel a difference. I was less foggy and more energetic. When I got tested again for B-12 a month later, my levels had shot up to 529 pg/ml. I was back in the normal range.

A few of my friends took micronutrient deficiency tests, as well. None of them had B-12 levels as low as mine, but they were all deficient in something. One found he was deficient in magnesium. Another was deficient in selenium, while another was deficient in potassium. All of them took measures to correct their deficiencies, brought their levels back up to the normal ranges, and felt like new people. Their minds were clear and sharp, and their energy went through the roof.

One final note on deficiencies: It’s possible that your gut isn’t absorbing nutrients properly. If you suspect that’s the case, you might consider taking a probiotic supplement to introduce more healthy bacteria into your GI tract. You can also get more healthy bacteria by eating fermented foods, like sauerkraut and kimchi.

DO IT NOW

Research the nutrients mentioned above to see if you might be deficient.

FREQUENCY

Once you’ve been tested for deficiencies, ingest an ample amount of the desired nutrients (via food or supplements) for 30 days. Get tested again and re-assess.

COST

Varies, depending on whether you’re ingesting food or supplements (pills average less than $1.50 per day). $80 for the B-12 deficiency test at Any Lab Test Now. $400 for the micronutrient test. I know, I know – it’s expensive.

RESOURCES

[None of these resources are affiliate links. Neither Tim nor I will earn money if you decide to make a purchase through them.]

Any Lab Test Now. You can get tested for deficiencies in just a few minutes at Any Lab Test Now and have the results emailed to you within 48 hours. You can also get micronutrient tests at your doctor’s office, but (depending on which state you’re in) they will probably make you jump through a few hoops first.

Spectracell. This is the micronutrient testing lab Tim used to uncover his selenium deficiency (he used Brazil nuts to correct it).

Vitamin B-Complex Caps. This covers all of your bases for the B vitamins. These pills are free from common allergens, like soy, yeast, barley, wheat, and lactose.

Cod Liver Oil. I take 2-4 servings per day to get omega-3 fatty acids. If you don’t like taking so many pills, try squeeze packets.

Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question, “Is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and they say, “Hey, don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.”
- Bill Hicks

I couldn’t see it for a long time, but I was the creator of my own anxious reality.

I didn’t allow myself to have fun. I never slept. I drank coffee all day while staring at screens. I consumed fear-mongering news that convinced me the end was near. People absorbed and reflected my nervousness back at me, and my anxiety perpetuated itself.

I’m not crippled with anxiety anymore, and I’m not burned out. Now, my state of mind is different.

I allow myself to have guilt-free fun in everything I do. The world is a playground, my work is a game, and life is a ride. And you know what? I feel 100 times better than I ever thought I would. I’m back to my normal self.

And I have no fear that those awful feelings will ever return, because I know the antidote — play.

# # #

Want a free copy of Charlie’s book, Play It Away: A Workaholic’s Cure for Anxiety?


Leave a comment below with your favorite technique for managing or overcoming anxiety.

The top 20 comments, as selected by Charlie, will receive:

(1) free digital copy of Play It Away — Kindle .mobi or PDF ($10 value)(1) free digital copy of the Trauma Releasing Exercises workbook ($10 value)Bonus: Charlie’s weekly routine during the month he healed his anxiety

View the original article here

You Don’t Need to Overcome Approach Anxiety

Many people use the label approach anxiety to describe the fear of starting a conversation with someone new. This is a common fear, and many people identify it as a stumbling block that supposedly prevents them from enjoying a rich and abundant social life.

The truth is that working on overcoming “approach anxiety” is largely a distraction. It’s not actually a problem that needs to be solved to enjoy a socially abundantly life. It’s an imaginary obstacle that makes people feel inadequate, and then that inadequacy is used as a puzzle/distraction/diversion to avoid intimacy and to suppress other aspects of one’s personality.

The people I know who are really good at street approaches have all told me that they “virtually never” find a good connection that way. Results-wise this path is usually a dead end.

In my experience the people who become good at approaching and starting conversations with random strangers on the street, turn around and become “approach coaches.” In order to sell people on this skill set, they drum up feelings of inadequacy in people, making them think that this is an important and critical skill to develop in order to enjoy a socially abundant life. But the reality is that it’s more likely to lead to an endless treadmill of shallow connections with low compatibility.

Yes, you can get a high from facing your fears and doing random approaches. Yes, overcoming this hurdle can yield other benefits. If you buy into these benefits, then go do it quickly. You’ll make tons of progress within a week of dedicated practice. And then you can move on to more important matters.

But if one week passes, then another, and another… and then a few months… and then a few years, and you still find yourself thinking that you need to develop this skill in order to enjoy a richly rewarding social life, then you’re making a huge mistake and using this minor skill as a block to keep yourself stuck. So if you’ve been telling yourself that you have to overcome approach anxiety first in order to enjoy more social abundance, stop it.

Here’s a simple analogy. The skill of approaching random people on the street is similar to the skill of door-to-door selling in business. For some businesses that may be a valuable skill set, and there are books, videos, and sales trainers that can teach you how to do this. With some practice you could overcome your fears and resistance to door-to-door selling. But is this an important or essential skill that you really need to develop in order to succeed in business? Of course not.

You can obviously build a thriving business without relying on the skill of door-to-door selling. But it would be a huge limiting belief to convince yourself that you must become good at such a skill before you can allow yourself to have a thriving business.

This is essentially what people do with their focus on approach anxiety. It’s a minor and non-essential skill, but they use it as an excuse for not having what they desire — for years!

Oh, you know… I wish I could have a cool relationship and better friends, but unfortunately I have issues with social anxiety, so…

I need to commit myself to going out every day and practicing my social skills. Yeah… I should do that… Then I could finally be like those other cools guys. But first I should have a muffin… maybe banana nut… Now that’s a good muffin.

Wow… this coach does boot camps to help people learn how to approach random strangers on the street. It costs $4000 though. Hmmm… That would be really cool if I could afford it. But I can’t right now, so I’ll just have to wait. Maybe someday…

A few years pass, and the same lines are uttered once again.

How do you feel when you have thoughts like these? Inadequate? Not good enough? Not ready to have what you want yet? Still in learning mode, not in experiencing and enjoying mode?

Since I have a lot of friends who are already really good at this, i.e. people who’ve done thousands upon thousands of approaches, I asked some of them to candidly share what life is like on the other side. What I heard was very similar to what you might see in a person who overcomes their fear of door-to-door selling. It was a valid path of personal development, and they definitely got very good at it, and they were glad to have done it, but it didn’t actually give them what they wanted.

They got good at talking to strangers on the street, which was nice, but in the end they didn’t actually want to spend their days talking to strangers on the street. Getting really good at talking to strangers on the street didn’t help them create and enjoy the kinds of connections they really wanted, although some of them mistakenly thought it would help a lot. In many cases, investing in this skill actually distracted them from doing what was necessary to enjoy highly compatible, quality connections.

If you practice door-to-door selling a lot, you’ll get good at door-to-door selling. If you practice starting conversations with random people, you’ll get good at starting conversations with random people. But don’t assume that these skills will give you much more than that.

Based in part on these conversations, I realized that even if I made a big investment in this skill, it wouldn’t actually help me create the end result I was looking for. I wanted to enjoy close, intimate connections with highly compatible people — great friends, amazing lovers, heart-centered business colleagues. I didn’t want to spend my days hitting on people in bars and coffee shops.

So I shelved the idea of working on random street approaches and took a different path, focusing on the actual results I wanted. This worked. I got the results I wanted… quite abundantly in fact.

Instead of going out and approaching random strangers all day, I’m sharing espresso and deep conversation with a woman I adore, or cuddling each other tenderly, or having delightful romantic adventure, or enjoying dinner with great friends, or having soulful sex, or doing any of the other social activities I enjoy with people I like and who like me.

What’s the alternative to working on approach anxiety? Where could you focus your efforts instead?

For me the first step was to focus on my desires. Go deeper into identifying, clarifying, accepting, and owning what I’d really like to experience. I’ve written numerous articles about that already, so I won’t rehash it here.

If you catch yourself focusing on fears or blocks or limitations you think you need to overcome, stop doing that for a while, especially if you’ve been stuck working on the same blocks for years. If you haven’t overcome the block within 30 days after identifying it, now you’re just being lame and using it as an excuse not to keep moving forward. Put your silly block down, ignore it, and refocus your attention on your desires. Working on your blocks won’t motivate you to do anything but work on your blocks, and that’s an endless treadmill and a big waste of time.

I could worry about approach anxiety, or I could focus on my enjoyment of cuddling someone I really like. I could imagine sitting on my couch next to her, feeling the warmth from the fireplace, gently running my fingers through her hair, exploring her face with my fingertips, planting soft kisses on her cheek, seeing her smile, hearing a few Mmmmm’s from her, and relaxing into that warm and tender flow of energy between us. I could even imagine having a silly conversation with her about the guys who are going out and doing approaches on the street all day, thinking it will help them have an experience like we’re having right now. And she will roll her eyes dismissively at those silly guys, like she always does.

And then she’ll crack a mischievous smile and say in her submissively breathy voice, “Master, your slave is feeling naughty again.”

No approaches necessary.

What’s next with all this focus on anxiety? Do we need people to coach us on how to overcome cuddle anxiety?

Put your desires first. Your silly, sniveling fears don’t matter.

Second step. I learned to broadcast to the whole world what I want. The broadcasting itself is not actually the most significant part. The key is to release any lingering shame, fear, and guilt about having what I want. Broadcasting is a good way to test whether or not I’m there yet. If I can’t broadcast it yet, I know I still have some issues to resolve. Eventually as I lean into these desires more and more, I feel congruent enough to be able to broadcast without worrying about other people’s judgments or any other consequences. If I’m going to fulfill my desires, then this is a good test to see if I’m ready to accept the consequences of having those desires.

Thirdly, I modified my lifestyle so as to make it more naturally abundant in collisions with the types of people who are likely to be compatible with me. I’ve been doing a lot more traveling and speaking (and less blogging) for the past few years. When I travel I also prefer to stay with friends instead of in hotels. I go to more parties. I say yes to more group social invites.

I figured out where the good matches are likely to be clustered, and I put myself in those environments regularly. This works. I meet compatible people organically this way — people who are into self development, people who are into open relationships, people who like traveling. In these spheres, nobody really needs to approach. The compatibility is so high that people who are good matches typically attract each other like magnets. Much of the time, a mutual friend does the introductions. It’s pretty effortless.

If you don’t know where your best matches might be clustered, guess. You’ll guess wrong. Learn from it, and guess again. You’ll guess wrong again. Eventually you’ll find your way to your tribe. Just don’t sit around not guessing. You’re not going to figure this out through journaling and self-analysis. In the past I spent a lot of time in boring, awkward, and pointless social gatherings. That’s why today I’m able to enjoy stimulating, fun, and exciting social gatherings (while cuddling someone I like).

Fourthly, I learned to do specific invites for what I wanted, not for other B.S. fluff. If I want to cuddle a woman, I’ll invite her to cuddle. If I want to have a threesome with her, I’ll invite her to have a threesome. If I want to spend a day out with her exploring an art museum, I’ll invite her to go look at art. I have a lot of different interests. I like to honor all of them and share them with people. The key is to fully honor my desires in the moment.

No fake invites. No hidden agendas. I invite what I want. I let other people accept or decline. No convincing or persuading. If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, I’ll take it as a no. If they decline, I invite someone else.

If I’m not sure what I want, then I’ll invite someone to spend more time together and talk, so we can get to know each other better. I’ll talk about the kinds of connections I like most. I’ll ask that person what kinds of connections they enjoy most. I’ll find out how compatible we are up front. And I’ll be shamelessly myself. If I share something that’s a big part of my life, like open relationships, and the other person flinches, then I’ll probably talk even more about that instead of changing the subject — partly to see if they’re going to be scared off so easily and to find out quickly if they’ll be unable or unwilling to accept me completely as I am.

Fifthly — and this was the most recent lesson for me, which unlocked a powerful new level of abundance — I had to start giving a definitive no to invitations that weren’t actually what I wanted, even if they were close to it. I had to stop letting people try to convince me or talk me into things. As my friend Michael Lassen recently put this (paraphrasing): If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

It’s so easy to get lost in the land of partial matches. We let people talk us into things that don’t really excite us. But “good enough” connections often leave us feeling hollow and disconnected. Say no to these, so you can focus on inviting some great connections instead. If it’s not working, give up quickly, and move on quickly. Don’t “work on the relationship.” If it feels like work, you’re not compatible enough.

What if you don’t know what you want? That isn’t a problem at all. Don’t turn that minor lack of clarity into another phony roadblock. If you don’t know what you want, that’s great. I often don’t know either. That’s the time to explore, experiment, and guess. You’re not going to know if you like something until after you’ve tried it, and even then, you may need to try it a few times to be sure. But don’t sit around like a stump pretending that you can’t take action just because you don’t know what you want.

I haven’t had breakfast yet. I’m pretty hungry now. But I don’t know what I want to eat. I’m confused. Oh no! Guess I’ll go hungry then… Poor me… If only I had more clarity… Maybe I should read another book to help me figure out what to have for breakfast… Maybe I should write a breakfast mission statement… Yeah, that’s it! I need to sit down and journal and figure this out…

That sounds really dumb, doesn’t it? Well, that’s how dumb you sound when you email me to whine about not being able to take action just because you don’t know what to do.

When you don’t know what you want to eat, you still manage to eat, don’t you? How do you accomplish that? Well… use the same approach for your social and relationship life. A bad meal isn’t the end of the world. Keep exploring and trying new things, and you’ll learn what you like. Then you can have more of what you like and less of what you don’t like.

If you’re really confused, then order something you know you’ll hate. I sometimes do this when I’m confused about what to eat. I deliberately make something I know I won’t like. Then I eat it anyway. It’s a good lesson to myself that I can never give myself permission to let a lack of clarity stop me.

When I exited my marriage in 2009, I dove into explorer mode, inviting all sorts of new connections and experiences. I’m still in that mode now, but I’ve also learned a lot more about what I like vs. don’t like. And so now I can do a much better job of inviting what I want and avoiding what doesn’t interest me. I now have a lifestyle that I love more than anything I’ve experienced before, but I keep experimenting. I continue to embrace the new.

What if you get into a social situation and feel socially disconnected? That’s completely normal. It’s feedback that you’re not in sync with the energies of the other people around you. It’s a sign that your intuition is working perfectly. If this happens a lot, it probably means you’re hanging out with incompatible people way too often.

Some people see this as a feeling of inadequacy. I think that more often than not, it’s a feeling of incompatibility.

Feeling socially disconnected doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to work on improving connections with people. In many cases that would be a very forced solution. The people I know who’ve tried that approach usually found it to be a dead end. Eventually they gave up… sometimes retreating even more than before.

If you feel socially disconnected, maybe that’s a sign to shed the partial matches that aren’t working for you. Stop investing in them. Let those old, increasingly incompatible energies fall by the wayside. Release the old first.

Then you can invite the new. Think about the types of people with whom you’d enjoy very natural connections with ease. Seek them out. Use the trial and error approach till you find your tribe. It’s out there, but you won’t see it while you’re busy tolerating partial matches and hoping they get better.

I often find that socially anxious people tend to prefer being very direct and honest in their interactions. Yet they often surround themselves with the most indirect friends and family. If they try being direct with those people, others will often take offense.

They’d rather be around people who communicate their thoughts and feelings authentically, instead of having to deal with all the ridiculous subtleties of getting around people’s social masks and shields.

I can handle myself just fine in a social situations where everyone is being very guarded and indirect, but I’d rather not deal with that if I can avoid it. I usually feel bored and listless in those situations; they feel fake, stunted, and unnatural. I prefer the company of people who are honest and authentic in their communication, and who will appreciate it when I communicate likewise. I do like some subtlety, but not the kind that involves wearing masks and disguising a hidden agenda.

Are approach anxiety (and various other labels) real problems that need to be overcome in order to enjoy a rich and abundant social and relationship life? No. You can work on those issues if you want, but don’t use them as excuses for not having what you desire. You can just as easily bypass these so-called blocks and do an end run around them.

Now for some breakfast!

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5 Ways to Reduce Stress and Anxiety at Work

Stress at work can be a result of too many short deadlines, a pushy boss, too many major projects and more. Whatever the cause of your workplace anxiety though, you can reduce the associated stress through these five simple steps from Dumb Little Man:

Prepare for the pressure. If you know you’re going to have a high pressure situation coming up, get ready for it so you can go into it with the right mindset and tackle issues as quickly and efficiently as possible.Know when to say “no.” Taking on too many tasks is a surefire way to stress yourself out and ensure you do a medoicre job on many projects rather than a great job on a few.Refuse to climb the molehill. This one is simple: don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.Relax your muscles. Feeling relaxed physically will make you feel relaxed mentally as well.Cultivate positive thinking. Seeing the bright side of things can help you make the best out of any situation and fight anxiety in the worst conditions.

Learn how to use each of these suggestions to minimize stress, the ten habits suggested in the article are: 10 Habits to Reduce the Stress in Your Daily Life

Featured photo credit: sad unhappy girl in the autumn forest, stress, depression via Shutterstock

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Reduce Stress and Anxiety: 5 Effective Ways to Deal with Stress and Anxiety at Work

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Beating the Anxiety of Online Reading

I am a huge fan of reading online — I can generally do it for hours a day. But with the explosion of great blogs, online magazines and news sources, personal development sites, social media and more … how do you deal with the anxiety that comes with it?

Anxiety often results from:

Trying to keep up with all of your reading sources, online networks, etc., which have an endless stream of posts.Trying to catch up with a reading backlog that might have items that are months or even a year old.Being afraid that you’re missing important or key articles or posts.Not being sure that you’re reading all the best blogs and sites, or following the most important people on Twitter or Facebook.

And so on. This is an extremely common form of anxiety. Take a reader, Eric, who recently wrote:

I have been struggling with the problem of keeping up with all the awesome self-development websites & blogs for quite a while and I thought I would ask you for your suggestion. The only self-development websites I am subscribed to as a regular reader include yours, Scott Young, Steve Aitchison’s and Lifehacker. I have plenty more that I want to add to my regular list of blogs, but even with just the blogs I regularly read, I frequently have difficulty keeping up with all the excellent articles that are posted on an ongoing basis. My current “waitlist” of articles consists of over 350 articles, among which the oldest one was written in April of last year!

How do you deal with this? It’s a matter of letting go, and realizing you can’t ever, ever possibly read 1% of the good stuff that’s out there. It’s absolutely impossible. And so you must let go, or the anxiety will never end.

Trying to keep up is not only impossible, but a great waste of your life. You could be spending some of that time creating, pursuing a dream, exercising, learning a new skill, spending time with a loved one, or taking a nap. Any of those would be better than trying to keep up with everything, or worrying about it.

How do you let go? More below.

But first, one additional point … Eric also writes:

I have considered subscribing to only the very best ones, because many blogs borrow content from other better blogs. But just the work of trying to research the best ones through trial & error by reading sample articles takes a toll on my time & energy because there are just too many websites and I don’t want to wrongly eliminate some great blogs based on a few of their less-than-average articles. My biggest fear is falling behind on some really important productivity findings, insights and so on, with the rapid rate at which information is expanding these days.

It’s also impossible to know what the best blogs are, and to be sure you’re reading all of them. It’s impossible to find the best posts on the best blogs. This is not an important goal, and should also be let go. The reason for this lies in a philosophy of life, which I call the River Flow philosophy. Let’s take a quick look.

If life is a river, and all the information out there (including blogs, social media, etc.) makes up the water, as well as all the possible experiences in the world … imagine trying to consume the entire river. Consuming an entire river is obviously impossible for one person, and no one would ever try.

Trying to consume all information and get all experiences in life is like trying to consume the entire river. Impossible.

Now imagine that you wanted to taste all the best drops of water in the river. How would you go about doing that? Well, you wouldn’t know where the best drops were, and so you might have to sample huge amounts of water to find out. Or you could ask various fish and fishermen, and they might have different opinions, and so you could test out all their recommendations, but that could take a lifetime, and even then you wouldn’t be sure you didn’t miss out on the best drops of water.

This is how many people approach finding the best blogs, the best books, the best movies, the best experiences in life … they try out a huge amount, or read a lot of recommendations and spend a lot of time testing the recommendations. That takes an entire lifetime. And still they might have missed out (actually, they almost certainly did).

Notice the futility of all of this activity. Now imagine that you let go of the goal of tasting all the best drops of water, which isn’t a necessary thing at all.

What might you do instead? Try the drop of water flowing towards you at this moment, and enjoy it. It might not be the best drop of water in the river, but who is to say? Maybe it is. Maybe if you love that drop fully, it will be the best, regardless of how good other drops are.

Enjoy the post or article you do read, and don’t worry about the rest.

Enjoy the experiences you have, and forget about those you don’t experience.

Have fun with the people you’re with, and don’t worry about who you’re missing.

Life is a flowing river, and worrying about every drop is futile. The water you’re in now is the best.

How do you let go of all the articles you want to read but can’t? How do you let go of the worry that you’re missing great articles? How do you forget about your backlog?

Wipe the slate clean.

Every day, you’re not adding to a new list on a whiteboard — those you’ve read and those you still have to read — but instead you’re starting on a clean whiteboard. This clean board is empty of what you’ve already done, but also empty of what you still need to accomplish. It’s blank, which means the possibilities are endless, and the guilt is zero.

Wipe the slate clean every day.

You don’t need to worry about your reading lists. Mark them all as read. Don’t worry about all the social media posts you haven’t read. Don’t worry about all the blogs there are to search through, or all the news sites there are to keep up with. Each day, your slate is clean.

Then you can decide how to fill that slate each day, and enjoy whatever you choose to experience. Then let go, with a new slate each day.

You won’t get to everything either way, nor will you find the best of the best either way. So enjoy the water you’re in.

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Approach Anxiety

Several months ago I was speaking with my friend Morty Lefkoe about fears and limiting beliefs that I noticed among my readers. I shared with him that one of the biggest problem areas was approach anxiety. While many readers appear to be very social online, it’s common for them to be pretty socially timid in person — I know this quite well from interacting with them both online and face to face.

Social timidity is frequently a result of approach anxiety. Instead of proactively approaching new people to form connections (for friendship, dating, networking, etc), these people often hold back. There can be a variety of reasons for why they hold back, but it typically boils down to fear caused by limiting beliefs about approaching people, initiating conversations, expressing interest, etc.

When I shared this with Morty, I figured there might be 5-10 common limiting beliefs that contributed to approach anxiety, such as “being rejected is bad” or “I’m not good enough.”

Morty grew curious about what limiting beliefs he might find if he investigated this further. Since his specialty is helping people eliminate limiting beliefs quickly and permanently, this was right up his alley. I’ve been recommended Morty’s method for more than two years now, and many people have found it an effective way to remove beliefs that were previously holding them back, so I figured the subject of approach anxiety would be a worthwhile area for him to explore, one that would be a good fit for his process. Morty agreed.

Morty also knew that if he could figure out the most common limiting beliefs that contributed to approach anxiety, he could use that information to create a new product that would help people with this specific challenge, so this undertaking made good business sense as well.

To explore this more deeply, Morty recruited volunteers who felt socially limited by approach anxiety, those who rated their fear at least a 7 on a scale of 1-10. Then he interviewed them to discover what beliefs were making them feel anxious or hesitant to connect with new people.

To Morty’s surprise (and to my own as well), he discovered a great variety of beliefs that contributed to approach anxiety. There weren’t just a handful of them — there were dozens that he was able to identify.

The main problem wasn’t the quantity of beliefs, however. The bigger issue was that there was very little overlap between participants, meaning that each person had different beliefs that contributed to their experience of approach anxiety.

This meant that it wouldn’t be practical for Morty to create a single product to help people eliminate this problem. Morty can still use his method to help such people one on one by phone or Skype, but he can’t turn it into a product because there’s too much variety in people’s limiting beliefs. To eliminate a limiting belief, it must first be identified, and that identification process plays out differently for each person.

I was disappointed that we couldn’t use this idea to create a new product that would help people afflicted by approach anxiety. I liked the idea of helping people to permanently and inexpensively eliminate such a problem. But I didn’t want to let Morty’s initial research go to waste, so I asked him if I could share the backstory about this idea and the beliefs he was able to identify with his volunteers, and he graciously agreed.

I expect this may still be helpful to many people since identifying a limiting belief is an important first step in eliminating it. Sometimes just being aware that you have a negative belief can get you started on the path to letting it go.

For this project Morty focused his interviews on men, so all of the subjects were male. He surely would have uncovered even more limiting beliefs if he expanded this to include women as well.

The age range of the participants was 20-38 with most in their 20s. And as I mentioned previously, Morty asked people to rate their fear on a scale of 1-10 and chose people who answered at least a 7.

Here are some of the feelings these participants reported:

Anxiety when talking to a womanFear of being criticized or judgedFear of talking to an attractive woman

And here’s a list of limiting beliefs related to approach anxiety that Morty and his participants were able to identify:

Change is difficult.I can’t do anything right.If a woman isn’t attracted to a man initially, she never will be.I’m a bother to people.I’m a dangerous person.I’m annoying.I’m a loser.I’m broken.I’m inadequate.I’m inferior.I’m not acceptable.I’m not attractive.I’m not good enough.I’m not interesting.I’m socially awkward.I’m ugly.I’m unlovable / not lovable.I’m weird.It’s wrong to show sexual interest in a woman.It’s wrong to be attracted to women.It’s wrong to be turned on by women.My sexual desire is bad.People aren’t interested in me.People aren’t interested in what I have to say.Relationships are difficult.There’s something wrong with me.What makes me good enough or important enough is having people like me.Women don’t want nice guys.Women don’t want to be bothered.Women don’t want to talk to guys.Women want more financial security than I could provide.Women want men who are assertive and get what they want.Women want attractive men.Women want interesting men.Women want men who are confident / flirtatious.Women want men who are witty / make them laugh.Women want men who treat them badly.Women want men with exciting lifestyles.Women want men with money and stability.Women want popular guys.Women want security / to be protected physically.Women want successful men.

This is an interesting collection to be sure, but it’s far from exhaustive. I’m sure you can identify many more, especially if we consider limiting beliefs that women have as well.

We can loosely categorize this list into beliefs about oneself, beliefs about others, and beliefs about interactions.

Many of the self-related beliefs are linked with low self-esteem and a low sense of attractiveness. Eliminating the negative belief is one way to fix those problems. Another way is to shift your focus onto your overall lifestyle, and take more action to create a life that fulfills you. When people are pleased with their lifestyles, it shows. It’s easier to attract people you like when you’re enjoying the other parts of your life. It’s also easier to attract compatible partners when you’re already living a life you enjoy.

As for the beliefs about others, the main issue there is overgeneralization. Everyone has different standards for what they find attractive and what they don’t. These patterns certainly aren’t universal.

With billions of people on earth, we can find many people who may fit those patterns and many who don’t. And in any given week, people can oscillate between matching and not matching these patterns. Sometimes people feel social and would be glad to be approached by almost anyone. At other times people turn inward and prefer more solitude.

One pattern I see here is the implied limiting belief that if you approach someone who doesn’t want to connect with you (for whatever reason), and you get rejected as a result, then you made a mistake and never should have approached in the first place.

Of course there isn’t much real danger in trying to initiate and deepen connections, but that doesn’t make the fear any less real. The fear may be rooted in false beliefs and erroneous assumptions, but it can still exert control over one’s behavior.

There is a matter of calibration involved here, so as you gain experience, you can increase your hit rate, but this doesn’t mean that getting a rejection now and then is a terrible thing to be avoided at all costs. It’s really no big whoop. You basically have to risk some rejection in order to build experience. The more experience you have, the easier it is to read people and get a sense of who’s open to connecting with you and who isn’t. Making a mistake here isn’t the end of the world.

The good news is that when these limiting beliefs were eliminated, the fear went away too. And when the fear goes away, that’s where the fun begins.

One of my favorite methods for eliminating limiting beliefs is to deliberately seek out counterexamples. If I can find even one or two counterexamples for a belief, then the belief tends to collapse. My mind can no longer pretend that it’s true.

A long time ago I had the belief that women aren’t interested in sex as much as men are. I also had some related beliefs about sexuality being bad or sinful. I can credit 12 years of Catholic school for installing such notions. This certainly isn’t uncommon.

Then I saw the movie Kinsey, which opened my eyes to the notion that sexual desire is a very individual thing. That helped put a dent in my overgeneralized beliefs.

Later I met women who were comfortable talking about sex openly, and they shared thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that contradicted my old beliefs. It took me a while to make the 180-degree turn from my Catholicism-installed falsehoods, but I eventually collapsed those limiting beliefs.

I also had to be careful about installing opposite beliefs like “women love sex more than men do” since that’s an overgeneralization as well. I find it more helpful to accept the notion that this is a very individual thing.

Overgeneralizing is an attempt to treat everyone the same, as if you can come up with a single pattern or strategy that works well with everyone. Generalizing works okay in some areas of life, but in other areas there’s too much variety, including in the area of human relationships.

Our brains automatically and unconsciously seek out patterns in specific data, but sometimes they make mistakes, and we need to consciously adjust their conclusions.

Deep down we may indeed have similar needs and desires, but we have different ways of satisfying those needs and desires. So what one person finds attractive, another person finds creepy, boring, or repulsive.

If you can accept this, you’ll see that it’s silly to expect everyone to like you as you are. Some people will. Some people won’t. Such are the vicissitudes of life.

Instead of trying to get someone to like you or worrying about saying or doing the right things to create attraction, it makes more sense to express your personality and preferences openly to the degree that’s possible, and then let other people self-select if they feel they match you.

Alternatively, you can focus on initiating connections with people you find attractive, while accepting that your interest may not be mutual. If the other person doesn’t feel the same, it doesn’t mean you aren’t awesome. It just means the other person doesn’t agree that you’d be a good match. Certainly that isn’t the end of the world. There are billions of other people you can seek to match with.

For the past several years, I’ve mainly been using the expressiveness strategy because I’ve had so much social input coming my way. All I really had to do was to express myself openly and shamelessly, and then I could select among the people who seemed to resonate with what I shared. If people didn’t like me, they usually filtered themselves out of my reality, and if they didn’t, then it was easy for me to decline to interact with them. If people initiated interactions with me as a result of what I shared, then I could choose to accept some of those invites, and at least I was guaranteed to have an interaction with someone who was interested in connecting.

This worked well for attracting people who are interested in me, but it doesn’t give me as much opportunity to connect with people that I find equally interesting. So for the past several months, I’ve been closing most of those open doors (like my Facebook page, the forums, and my contact form), so fewer people can approach me to connect. This gives me more opportunity to initiate my own connections with people I’d like to get to know better and to be more selective.

With my old socialization strategy, I would sometimes stray into my own version of approach anxiety, but of a different sort than the one discussed earlier. I actually worry more about being approached. Will the person be interesting? Will they be honest about their intentions? Are they just trying to get something from me?

As my social interactions became increasingly patterned, I felt I was at risk of developing limiting beliefs like “Everyone needs something from me” and “People are energy vampires.” I thought it best to turn off the flood of incoming connections for a while, so I could have more space to consciously think about what kind of social life I’d like to create and experience.

The benefit of getting limiting beliefs out of the way is that it creates more room for conscious choice.

Another favorite way to tackle limiting beliefs is with progressive training. I see limitations as a weight to be lifted. The more you train the relevant muscles, the easier it is to lift and finally dispose of the limitation.

As a child I was very shy. In kindergarten I used to play in the sandbox alone most of the time. If I had any friends, it was just one or two close friends that I played with. I didn’t feel very comfortable socializing with other children, especially in large groups.

In grammar school what I hated more than anything else were speech contests. These were mandatory every year in my school, but I never felt comfortable presenting in front of the class. I got nervous, my hands would shake, and I was pretty bad at it too.

I improved a little from this forced practice, but I still didn’t like that I got nervous when I spoke in front of the class.

Eventually I decided to conquer this fear, and I thought that progressive training would be a good strategy. I started volunteering to speak tech conferences. Then I joined Toastmasters and later the National Speakers Association to keep making progress.

This approach took time, but it worked. The more practice I got, the more comfortable I became with speaking, and the less nervous I was. Now I feel just as comfortable in front of a group as I do playing video games with my kids. What used to be anxiety producing now gets channeled into enthusiasm and fun. I now find myself looking for ways to make it more challenging; if it feels too easy, it isn’t as stimulating for me.

Another important thing to realize is that you can be afraid and still take action. This is hard to do on your own, but it’s much easier to do when you have some social support. Without social support it’s too easy to succumb to fear and make excuses. But when you’ve committed yourself to people who will hold you accountable, it’s harder not to act.

For example, if you agree to give a speech, you’ll usually find that you can still follow through even if you’re really anxious about it. People do this all the time. They get up to the mike, and for the first several minutes they’re nervous. You can see their hands shaking. Or their voice cracks and they can barely catch their breath. They’re clearly having an emotional reaction, but they still do it.

What may surprise you is that many pro speakers with decades of practice still get nervous when they speak. But they’ve learned that if they agree to speak anyway, they’re going to follow through even if they’re nervous.

Think about how you can apply this idea of social support to other forms of social interactions that may be troubling you. Can you invite a few friends to encourage you along the way and to hold you accountable?

I’ve seen how well this works at some of my workshops. People who can’t get themselves to start up a conversation with a stranger can suddenly take action when they have two accountability partners encouraging and supporting them.

Although we don’t have a singular solution that works for everyone, approach anxiety is a problem that can be overcome.

If you want more information about how Morty can help you with such challenges, feel free to call him at 415-884-0552, and ask about working one on one with him. For help in overcoming other limiting beliefs, be sure to read my blog post about this. You can also test Morty’s method to eliminate a limiting belief for free.

If you prefer a very hands-on approach to improving your social skills, I invite you to attend the 3-day Conscious Relationships Workshop (Feb 17-19 in Las Vegas). Approach anxiety is one of many topics we’ll address, both with group discussions and interactive exercises. At CRW you’ll have the opportunity to experiment and receive feedback in a positive, supportive, nonjudgmental environment.

However you decide to tackle the challenge of approach anxiety, try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s not the end of the world if someone doesn’t want to connect with you. No matter how weird or broken you think you are (or how cold you think other people are), many people would enjoy your company.

People can provide value to each other in the simplest of ways, such as by listening to each other, sharing a meal, and holding hands as they go for a stroll. If you can smile, you can provide something that millions (probably billions) of people would receive as valuable and worthwhile.

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10 Mindful Minutes: Giving Our Children--and Ourselves--the Social and Emotional Skills to Reduce Stress and Anxiety for Healthier, Happy Lives

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Across the country, the revolutionary MindUP program, which was developed under the auspices of the Hawn Foundation, established by Goldie Hawn, is teaching children vital social and emotional skills. By understanding how their brains work, children discover where their emotions come from and become more self-aware. They learn to appreciate the sensory aspects of their lives and to value the positive effects of mindfulness, compassion, and kindness. This, in turn, empowers them to manage and reduce their own stress-and helps them be happy.

Those who have seen the remarkable effects of this program have been eager to learn how to implement it in their own homes and use its practices for themselves, too. Now, for the first time, its secrets are being shared with all parents and children in 10 Mindful Minutes.

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Therapy for Social Anxiety Changes the Brain? Study Says Yes

 Time management and organization skills from an ADD expert. by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis Therapy for Social Anxiety Changes the Brain? Study Says Yes Social Anxiety Therapy: Can It Change Brain Waves? Published on March 21, 2011

A study uses an EEG to measure brain wave differences before and after psychotherapy for social anxiety disorder:

ScienceDaily (2011-02-14) - When psychotherapy is helping someone get better, what does that change look like in the brain? This was the question a team of psychological scientists set out to investigate in patients suffering from social anxiety disorder.

The study recruited 25 adults with social anxiety disorder from a Hamilton, Ontario clinic. The patients participated in 12 weekly sessions of group cognitive behavior therapy, a structured method that helps people identify - and challenge - the thinking patterns that perpetuate their painful and self-destructive behaviors.

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Two control groups - students who tested extremely high or low for symptoms of social anxiety - underwent no psychotherapy.

The patients were given four EEGs - two before treatment, one halfway through, and one two weeks after the final session. The researchers collected EEG measures of the participants at rest, and then during a stressful exercise: a short preparation for an impromptu speech on a hot topic, such as capital punishment or same-sex marriage; participants were told the speech would be presented before two people and videotaped. In addition, comprehensive assessments were made of patients' fear and anxiety.

When the patients' pre- and post-therapy EEGs were compared with the control groups', the results were revealing: Before therapy, the clinical group's delta-beta correlations were similar to those of the high-anxiety control group and far higher than the low-anxiety group's. Midway through, improvements in the patients' brains paralleled clinicians' and patients' own reports of easing symptoms. And at the end, the patients' tests resembled those of the low-anxiety control group.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/02/110214142344.htm

 

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